It's Not OK

This month, I'm getting on my soapbox. If there is one thing that both deeply grieves and angers me, it’s domestic violence in all its various manifestations. It's a shocking scourge on our landscape.

A quick overview of the stats:
(Data from this website: http://www.areyouok.org.nz/family-violence/statistics/. Bolding is mine.)

NZ Police recorded a family violence investigation, on average, every five and a half minutes in 2014. 76% of family violence incidents are NOT reported to Police. 101,981 family violence investigations were recorded by NZ Police in 2014, up 7% from 95,101 in 2013.

24% of women and 6% of men have experienced one or more sexual offences at some point during their lives.

14% of young people report being hit or physically harmed on purpose by an adult at home in the last 12 months.

20% of girls and 9% of boys in New Zealand report unwanted sexual touching or being forced to do sexual things.

Family violence is estimated to cost the country between 4.1 and 7.0 billion dollars each year.

And here is the clincher: 1 in 3 women experience physical and/or sexual violence from a partner in their lifetime. Please read this again: 1 in 3 women are bashed or sexually violated by their husbands, partners or boyfriends in their lifetime. It's just too hard to believe, and don't even get me started on violence against children.

So where is the church's voice and action on this sad situation?


But let’s focus on the victims first:

The women themselves (and I’ve sadly had to come to the side of a few as a pastor) feel guilty—as if what is happening is somehow their fault. It’s not, of course. Never, ever, does any woman deserve to have their husband or boyfriend physically harm them in any form whatsoever.

Then there are those who feel locked in. They feel they can’t leave. Somehow they feel that would not only make their husband angry and even more violent, but would also disappoint Jesus.

And then they say, “Isn’t that what the Bible says?”

Okay, time for some pastoral intervention:
“No!” You should not feel guilty, and you can leave, in fact you should leave for your sake AND the children's sake. Being counselled to stay by a pastor is, in my view, one of the most egregious areas of spiritual malpractice if not abuse. Leaving a violent relationship is NOT divorce. It is merely a separation for personal safety reasons for the victim and her children. As a pastor we should even be willing to escort her out the door. The divorce issue is an entirely separate issue and I will leave that discussion for another day.


So pastor, what can you do?

1.    Preach on the subject of anger and violence. Offer very clear advice on what your people should say (or do) if they find themselves in this situation.
2.    Encourage your congregation to be attentive neighbours and work colleagues. When they come across domestic violence or even suspect it, help your people with practical advise as to what they can do—no ... what they MUST do.
3.    Start a support group for victims. But please make sure the facilitator of the group has a load of empathy and skill.
4.    Support/partner in some way with the It's Not OK campaign. They are doing a great job. Organise an event under this banner.
5.    Support a women's refuge.

Let's commit to doing something today. And if you're already doing something, could you post a comment and tell me briefly what it is you are doing?

Let's Talk About Babies and Millennials

1. Let's talk about Fertility, Baby

Infertility is a growing issue especially in a day when more and more couples are choosing to delay having babies for financial and career reasons.

Here are some numbers from www.fertilitynz.org.nz:

• One in four New Zealanders experience infertility
• Women and men are equally affected
• A 28-year-old woman has a 23% chance of natural conception per month. The chances decrease to 8% for a 40-year-old women
• IVF has a less than 50% chance of success per cycle.

Anecdotally, it would be my observation that young Christian couples are far less inclined to delay starting a family for financial and career reasons than their non-Christian counterparts. However, having said this, there is in my view a very important discussion that pastors may consider to have with all young couples in his/her church. It may also be good to address this issue in a sermon series on ‘current issues’ especially the whole issue around the ethics of IVF which is a big topic and deserves a separate discussion.

2. Practicing Christian Millennials Maintain a High View of Scripture

Millennials (born between 1984 and 2002) have been, and continue to be, the focus of surveys, studies and comment—some of it quite negative. However, this article is good news and will definitely surprise you: https://www.barna.org/barna-update/millennials/687-millennials-and-the-bible-3-surprising-insights#.Vz5H0uS0dAM 

3. “The Village Effect” …

… is the title of a Listener cover article last year. The article is based on a new book by Canadian clinical psychologist Susan Pinker called, “The Village Effect: Why face-to-face contact matters”. Atlantic Books $36.99.

In many ways it is telling us what most pastors and Christian leaders already know, however, I love it when secular academic research (whatever discipline) lands in the same place that we as Christians would, based on our biblical understanding.

Here is a quote from the article: “More than alcohol and cigarette consumption, stress, how much we weigh and exercise, whether we take flu shots, the strongest predictor for living a long and healthy life”, says Susan Pinker, “is social integration with a regular diverse group of people. Second is social intimacy—being with people you can depend on, the ones who have your back when the going gets rough.” [Emphasis mine.] She goes on to talk about the Internet and social media as that “bilious stew of envy and anomie that engulfs people who click through online signs of their friends’ achievements in the mistaken belief that such voyeurism is a form of social glue. It’s not.”

So here's the thing. This is where churches can shine really bright. We call it fellowship or community, and by definition it is face-to-face in nature. It is regular, it is life-giving and now we are told it is good for you, very good in fact. And when biblical community (village life) is happening, it has another powerful component added in, namely the ‘one-anothers’ of the New Testament are operative—hopefully!

Pastor you might like to do a ‘community life’ audit or review. What is the current temperature of your shared life together as a faith community? How many folks in your congregation are lonely and deprived of meaningful social integration? How are the social skills of your young people? Can you sight evidence of the one anothers of scripture working deeply within your congregation? If so, is there a testimony or two you could include in your church communications?

4. Gender Identity

Family First have written an excellent report on this new and disturbing message evident in many of our NZ schools. I would highly recommend this resource for youth pastors and parents of pre-adolescence children and teenagers. Actually, why not preach a sermon on this topic entitled ‘Let the boys be boys and the girls be girls’, or something like that. Then offer this resource/report to all families.

The report “BOYS GIRLS OTHER – Making Sense of the Confusing New World of Gender Identity” was commissioned by Family First NZ in response to an increasing number of ‘born in the wrong body’- type stories involving children in the media, and ‘gender identity’ guidelines and policies being pushed at schools by governmental groups and advocacy organisations. It warns parents and school leaders to be very wary of these guidelines and policies and that gender identity ideology is founded more on political ideology than it is in good science and experience.

To learn more about this issue and read the report go to www.familyfirst.org.nz: Boys Girls Other.