Why am I Leaving my Church After 20 Years?

Meet M, a good friend of mine.

He’s a thoughtful guy and a good preacher. Recently, over breakfast, he talked about how he’d left his church. His comments were carefully and thoughtfully expressed. I felt he put words to what a lot of my wife Jeanette and my older Christian friends (and some younger) have been saying about their church experiences around NZ.

M’s comments are not mean-spirited, nor is he bagging the church. Quite the opposite.

Please understand I love the local church. That’s why I am doing the work I do (WillowNZ). But I think we all agree we can do better, and in most cases most of us want to do better. I hope and pray this short and honest story will be instructive and give us all something to think about and perhaps be less judgemental of the literally tens of thousands of good people in NZ who are now known as the ‘Dones or Church Refugees’. Alan Vink

M is husband and father. He and his family have been members of their church for 20 years.

For four of those years, M worked an associate pastor role. In his two final years, M created and led a group for Intermediate boys.

“Why am I leaving my church after 20 years?”

I wrote that on a serviette at my local café. I expected answers to flow because (a) I’ve had years to think about it, and (b) I’m usually good at finding the right words to frame my thoughts. But by the time my second coffee had come and gone, I had nothing on the napkin.

So I squeezed out some words. “I’m bored and uninspired.”

As soon as I wrote this, I knew I had hit the dartboard but without threatening the bullseye. I was kind of right; my church problem was like boredom and like uninspired, but these were symptoms whereas I was trying to locate the cause.

Three coffees in, I folded my near-blank napkin and left.

Weeks later, I came back to it. Same napkin, same café, but not the same approach. This time I took on the easier task of describing how church made me feel. I figured that if I could name a specific emotion, the follow-up question, What is it about church that makes you feel this way? would be instructive.

What I often experienced at church was the feeling of being perplexed. In its milder form, it felt like mere frustration. But at other times I was genuinely disturbed, even angry. So what was it about church that made me feel this way?

The songs? Yep, sometimes the words were shallow and weak, or the tempo dirgeously slow, or the band too performance-driven (should we elevate musicians on platforms?).

The sermons? Yes, sometimes they were confusing, or worse, were boring, or worse still, served no discernible purpose.

The long Mission talks? The forced ‘high fives’ with congregation members? The lengthy notices and after-match biscuit chats?

Yes to all of them.

But why would they leave me feeling disturbed to the point of leaving my church of 20 years? What was it that linked them all?

Dissonance.

Dissonance is the conflict that happens when things that ought to work together, don’t. It happens in music when notes are at odds. It happens in fashion when clothing doesn’t fit the body. Or in politics when someone’s actions contradict their words.

Wherever dissonance occurs, there are always at least two things involved: This in conflict with That. In my church, what was the Other Thing that so often clashed with the sermons and the songs, the notices and the biscuit chats?

It was the profound truths I had come to believe.

I believe that the world was intentionally made, not haphazardly formed. That the One who invented the universe was infinite and good and wise and was involved with His creatures. I believe that this good God so loved the broken, wicked world that He gave His one and only Son and that this Son, being in very nature God, somehow made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.

I believe that Jesus of Nazareth is this incarnate God and that in his human form He was pierced for our transgressions and crushed for our iniquities and that the punishment that brought me peace was upon Him and that by His wounds I am healed.

I believe it all.

And not only I believe it, but others do as well; the whole church, in fact. So when we gathered together as God’s rescued kids, we expected, maybe subconsciously, to be part of something that resonated with the profound things inside us.

What we got was a clash.

Our small slice of Eternity / HIM were mixed with the words of songs that seemed driven by the need to rhyme more than the need to express deep, living theology. These lyrical clichés were, in a technical sense, completely true. But in being devoid of depth and insight, they were also terribly false.

The Profound Truths often clashed with the sermons.

Having preached a little, I truly respect (and feel for) anyone who takes up this responsibility. Feed My sheep is a daunting task, which is why not many should teach. But if we’re going to take the stage, I think our speech should be of the Emmaus kind. On the road, Jesus spoke words that compelled His listeners to say, “Were not our hearts burning within us while He talked with us on the road and opened the Scriptures to us?”

Hearts burning.

Scriptures opened.

That kind of preaching harmonises with the Wondrous Things within us. In fact, such preaching even heats the Wondrous Things up. I have experienced sermons that were like air blown over the coals of my lukewarm convictions, making them hot again.

Boring / shallow / humanistic messages can’t do that. At best, they clash with our sense of God’s bigness and cause us to be glad when it’s time for coffee and biscuits. At worst, they shrink our sense of God till we begin to think that HE is like the messages we keep hearing.

Sometimes that leaves me angry and perplexed. But mostly I feel very little, which, in the end, disturbs me more. That’s because I’m prone to mediocrity and self-indulgence. I’m nowhere near what I could be as a disciple and cannot afford to stay in a place that allows my weaknesses to go unchallenged. What I want – what I need – is to be in a community that calls better things out of me, that helps me feel a better kind of anguish – the anguish of feeling God’s greatness and wishing that I loved Him more than I do.

So I’ve left my church of 20 years.

Where to now?

That’s the other question I’m invariably asked: “Where are you going to fellowship now?”

The truth is, I don’t know.

I’m interested in exploring other ways of gathering with believers, ways that aren’t the theatre model of seats facing a centre stage. But I’m not gung-ho about that. I could happily take my family to a church that does the standard approach well.

For me, the key isn’t 20 people vs. 200 or Seats in a Circle vs Seats Facing Forward. What I need most is a sense that the things we’re doing together are cut from the same momentous cloth as the things we believe, as the God we believe in.

Blessings

M

It's Not OK

This month, I'm getting on my soapbox. If there is one thing that both deeply grieves and angers me, it’s domestic violence in all its various manifestations. It's a shocking scourge on our landscape.

A quick overview of the stats:
(Data from this website: http://www.areyouok.org.nz/family-violence/statistics/. Bolding is mine.)

NZ Police recorded a family violence investigation, on average, every five and a half minutes in 2014. 76% of family violence incidents are NOT reported to Police. 101,981 family violence investigations were recorded by NZ Police in 2014, up 7% from 95,101 in 2013.

24% of women and 6% of men have experienced one or more sexual offences at some point during their lives.

14% of young people report being hit or physically harmed on purpose by an adult at home in the last 12 months.

20% of girls and 9% of boys in New Zealand report unwanted sexual touching or being forced to do sexual things.

Family violence is estimated to cost the country between 4.1 and 7.0 billion dollars each year.

And here is the clincher: 1 in 3 women experience physical and/or sexual violence from a partner in their lifetime. Please read this again: 1 in 3 women are bashed or sexually violated by their husbands, partners or boyfriends in their lifetime. It's just too hard to believe, and don't even get me started on violence against children.

So where is the church's voice and action on this sad situation?


But let’s focus on the victims first:

The women themselves (and I’ve sadly had to come to the side of a few as a pastor) feel guilty—as if what is happening is somehow their fault. It’s not, of course. Never, ever, does any woman deserve to have their husband or boyfriend physically harm them in any form whatsoever.

Then there are those who feel locked in. They feel they can’t leave. Somehow they feel that would not only make their husband angry and even more violent, but would also disappoint Jesus.

And then they say, “Isn’t that what the Bible says?”

Okay, time for some pastoral intervention:
“No!” You should not feel guilty, and you can leave, in fact you should leave for your sake AND the children's sake. Being counselled to stay by a pastor is, in my view, one of the most egregious areas of spiritual malpractice if not abuse. Leaving a violent relationship is NOT divorce. It is merely a separation for personal safety reasons for the victim and her children. As a pastor we should even be willing to escort her out the door. The divorce issue is an entirely separate issue and I will leave that discussion for another day.


So pastor, what can you do?

1.    Preach on the subject of anger and violence. Offer very clear advice on what your people should say (or do) if they find themselves in this situation.
2.    Encourage your congregation to be attentive neighbours and work colleagues. When they come across domestic violence or even suspect it, help your people with practical advise as to what they can do—no ... what they MUST do.
3.    Start a support group for victims. But please make sure the facilitator of the group has a load of empathy and skill.
4.    Support/partner in some way with the It's Not OK campaign. They are doing a great job. Organise an event under this banner.
5.    Support a women's refuge.

Let's commit to doing something today. And if you're already doing something, could you post a comment and tell me briefly what it is you are doing?

Twenty Minutes of Action

 

Dear Christian Parent (and all parents who may get to read this)

Before I took on my current job, Jeanette and I were pastoring together for 23 years, and today Jeanette continues part-time as a pastor on our son Shane's team in Hamilton. If I were still a pastor, I would use the horrible incident that happened last year at Stanford University (could have been any university in NZ) to have a pastoral chat to all the pre-teens and teenagers in my church and then to you as their parents. 

I guess this phrase—“twenty minutes of action”—will forever be etched on our minds, not in a positive or even neutral context, but in a destructive and dehumanising one.

Let me re-cap the context briefly.

One night in January 2015, two Stanford University graduate students biking across campus spotted a freshman thrusting his body on top of an unconscious, half-naked woman behind a dumpster. This March, a California jury found the former student, 20-year-old Brock Allen Turner, guilty of three counts of sexual assault (felony). Turner faced a maximum of 14 years in a state prison. Earlier this month, on Thursday 2nd June 2016, he was sentenced to six months in county jail and probation. The judge said he feared a longer sentence would have a “severe impact” on Turner, a champion swimmer who once aspired to compete in the Olympics—a point repeatedly brought up during the trial.

This case is shocking on two counts. In part, it's because the crime was so horrific, a fact made clear by the victim’s heart-wrenching letter, (click here to read), which she read aloud to her attacker (and the sentencing Judge) at Turner's sentencing. Her letter describes what happened in graphic detail, giving voice to her horrible trauma and ongoing suffering.

In part, it's because the perpetrator was a member of the Stanford swimming team and has been viewed as a child of privilege. His father's claim that his son should not have to go to prison for “twenty minutes of action” is utterly reprehensible to every decent person on earth… yes, men and women, Christian and non-Christian. And no, his words were not taken out of context. The man said what he said. And keep in mind, Stanford is an Ivy League University which means kids from so called 'good homes' go there.

Twenty minutes. 1200 seconds ... 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10 ... you may like to count out loud ….

It's a very long time whichever way you look at it, isn't it? So much time to do so much pain. 

We raised up four sons. Now we have four beautiful (in-law) daughters and five of the most gorgeous granddaughters on planet Earth, and so do many of you. I cannot even imagine what I would be going through if it were to happen to one of them, irrespective whether they were drunk, or high, or anything in-between. The pain in my heart would be too much to bear.

And then I came across an open letter last week written by a 20-something-year-old young man. I've copied it below for you exactly as it was written. I have never met him but his letter makes me very proud to be a Christian.

So parents, here goes my pastoral chat.

1. Can I remind you that your teenager is still a child. Sure he/she is growing and maturing but still a child especially in terms of his/her emotional and sexual development.

2. You are the first educators and, according to well-researched literature, still the most influential people in your child’s life over the long haul.

3. Please do not assume that because your youngster goes to church and youth group, reads his/her Bible, hangs out with good kids, and may even go to a Christian school, that he/she is somehow magically protected and immune from horrible stuff happening to them. I wish—I so wish—I could promise you that, but I can't, and no one should even hint at it being true.

4. And now, can I remind you about teen peer pressure. Do I need to spell it out, or can you remember back 10-20 years ago when you were a teen? I am 62 now, and I can remember back 47 years ago, when I was 15, like it was yesterday, and it isn't pretty. And yes, I was a bible-class-attending, Christian-home-that-prayed-together kid. And yet that peer pressure was soooo strong for about 3-4 years. In fact, there were more than a few occasions where the pressure was such that I lost my moral moorings, and despite point two above, I forgot my parents’ instructions. 

5. Please tell your daughter that she is beautiful inside and out and that her sexuality (her virginity) is a God-given gift to be cherished and kept for the man who will love her for the rest of her life and not just do a dirty deed behind a dumpster or wherever.

6. Please tell your son to look upon all girls as sisters to be treasured and protected and never, ever … that's right, NEVER, EVER, to be used for their own selfish pleasures, because that is abuse. Terrible abuse. Give them a copy of the letter below if they are old enough.

7. Talk to both your sons and daughters about internet porn (and all porn) and the dark and evil thing it is. Tell them that if they mess with it, then they run a huge risk of getting hooked on it and it forever hurting future relationships with the opposite sex including their future spouse. And, by the way, internet porn is no longer a boys and men-only problem—it is now a growing issue amongst young girls and women generally. Teach and model coping strategies. And teach them to pray every single day: “and lead me not into temptation, but deliver me from evil”, because I believe that is exactly what God wants to do for your kids. To protect them and help you protect them. He loves them even more than you do. Hard to believe, I know, but that is the truth of the matter.

There is so much more to say about this very important subject, but this is enough for today. As your pastor I love you and I love your kids, each and every one of them (even the ones whose behaviour is very challenging right now). Jeanette and I are here to walk beside you in the parenting journey.

With my love and blessings

Alan 

This is the letter I referred to earlier in this post:

 

I’m Male. I’m in My 20’s. And I Have Something to Say to the Girl Who Got Raped at Stanford

“Dear Girl by the Dumpster at Stanford

First off, I have to say how hard it is for me to write about this, not because I don’t want to talk about it, but because the ENTIRE story just breaks heart and makes me angry all at the same time.

It’s important because women need to know they’re not the only ones infuriated with rape and this kind of injustice. So with that said, I want to apologize to the girl who was raped behind a dumpster at a college campus.

I’m so sorry.

I’m so sorry it wasn’t me who found you by the dumpster instead of him. I would have called for help while trying to get you to eat some bread. I would have gone to your phone to try and call one of your friends to come get you. I would have given you my coat, not removed yours.

I’m so sorry.

You are not just “20 minutes of action” as his father put it. You are not some girl at a party. You are not alone in your fight.

I’m single. I’m male. I’m in my 20’s. I respect you. I grieve with you.

I don’t want you to think, not even a second, that you “asked for it” or that any of this is “your fault.” As men, it’s our job to protect women regardless of what they wear or how much they drink.

I’m so sorry that instead of a broken down man in a ball of tears you got an emotionless courtroom statement that turned you from victim to the guilty. I wish jail would sometimes work like time out—you can’t come out until you realize the gravity of what you’ve done and are truly ready to apologize. Granted, this would mean your attacker would spend the rest of his life in prison. And I’m okay with that.

I can’t tell you how proud I am of the way you’re handling it. I so desperately want you to know you’re not alone and it’s not just girls that stand with you. I pray you know that this case doesn’t define you. You may feel broken, but I know a guy who’s in the business of making all things new. He’s doing it for me as we speak. You are not worth less because of what happened, if anything I pray this makes you stronger as you see your support come through the woodwork to remind you of the beautiful creation you are.

Also, this is what I wish I could go back in time and tell your attacker about consent.

Here’s a bit of truth for ya, if you’re even ASKING this stupid question “Is it okay to have sex now?” then news flash…IT’S NOT OKAY!

The goal of a relationship isn’t to get to the moment where you get “the signal” —the goal is to get to the “I do.” Keep it in your pants!

We’re so fixated on this stupid freaking question. “When is it okay to have sex?”

GET TO KNOW HER, MEET HER FAMILY, MEET HER FRIENDS, SPOIL HER, HAVE HER TEACH YOU SOME OF HER HOBBIES, READ BOOKS TOGETHER, HIKE TOGETHER, LAUGH TOGETHER, HAVE A RELATIONSHIP.

OK, end of rant!

I guess I get really heated about this because I can’t imagine a world where I’d want to sleep with someone who doesn’t want to sleep with me. I’m a Christian, so sex and love go hand in hand in my world. I’ve loved people who didn’t love me back and that sucked, so why would I want to force someone to share such a moment of intimacy when they don’t want to be there? Maybe because I have sisters I have a soft spot for women—or maybe it’s just because I’m not a pig and my dad would beat the crap out of me if I ever touched a girl with violence instead of defend me.

I don’t know.

But I do know is that I’m here. I can’t erase what he did to you but I can stand with you. I can and will pray for you and your family.”

Let's Talk About Babies and Millennials

1. Let's talk about Fertility, Baby

Infertility is a growing issue especially in a day when more and more couples are choosing to delay having babies for financial and career reasons.

Here are some numbers from www.fertilitynz.org.nz:

• One in four New Zealanders experience infertility
• Women and men are equally affected
• A 28-year-old woman has a 23% chance of natural conception per month. The chances decrease to 8% for a 40-year-old women
• IVF has a less than 50% chance of success per cycle.

Anecdotally, it would be my observation that young Christian couples are far less inclined to delay starting a family for financial and career reasons than their non-Christian counterparts. However, having said this, there is in my view a very important discussion that pastors may consider to have with all young couples in his/her church. It may also be good to address this issue in a sermon series on ‘current issues’ especially the whole issue around the ethics of IVF which is a big topic and deserves a separate discussion.

2. Practicing Christian Millennials Maintain a High View of Scripture

Millennials (born between 1984 and 2002) have been, and continue to be, the focus of surveys, studies and comment—some of it quite negative. However, this article is good news and will definitely surprise you: https://www.barna.org/barna-update/millennials/687-millennials-and-the-bible-3-surprising-insights#.Vz5H0uS0dAM 

3. “The Village Effect” …

… is the title of a Listener cover article last year. The article is based on a new book by Canadian clinical psychologist Susan Pinker called, “The Village Effect: Why face-to-face contact matters”. Atlantic Books $36.99.

In many ways it is telling us what most pastors and Christian leaders already know, however, I love it when secular academic research (whatever discipline) lands in the same place that we as Christians would, based on our biblical understanding.

Here is a quote from the article: “More than alcohol and cigarette consumption, stress, how much we weigh and exercise, whether we take flu shots, the strongest predictor for living a long and healthy life”, says Susan Pinker, “is social integration with a regular diverse group of people. Second is social intimacy—being with people you can depend on, the ones who have your back when the going gets rough.” [Emphasis mine.] She goes on to talk about the Internet and social media as that “bilious stew of envy and anomie that engulfs people who click through online signs of their friends’ achievements in the mistaken belief that such voyeurism is a form of social glue. It’s not.”

So here's the thing. This is where churches can shine really bright. We call it fellowship or community, and by definition it is face-to-face in nature. It is regular, it is life-giving and now we are told it is good for you, very good in fact. And when biblical community (village life) is happening, it has another powerful component added in, namely the ‘one-anothers’ of the New Testament are operative—hopefully!

Pastor you might like to do a ‘community life’ audit or review. What is the current temperature of your shared life together as a faith community? How many folks in your congregation are lonely and deprived of meaningful social integration? How are the social skills of your young people? Can you sight evidence of the one anothers of scripture working deeply within your congregation? If so, is there a testimony or two you could include in your church communications?

4. Gender Identity

Family First have written an excellent report on this new and disturbing message evident in many of our NZ schools. I would highly recommend this resource for youth pastors and parents of pre-adolescence children and teenagers. Actually, why not preach a sermon on this topic entitled ‘Let the boys be boys and the girls be girls’, or something like that. Then offer this resource/report to all families.

The report “BOYS GIRLS OTHER – Making Sense of the Confusing New World of Gender Identity” was commissioned by Family First NZ in response to an increasing number of ‘born in the wrong body’- type stories involving children in the media, and ‘gender identity’ guidelines and policies being pushed at schools by governmental groups and advocacy organisations. It warns parents and school leaders to be very wary of these guidelines and policies and that gender identity ideology is founded more on political ideology than it is in good science and experience.

To learn more about this issue and read the report go to www.familyfirst.org.nz: Boys Girls Other.